It took getting my back cracked to stop being a hater

Getting lost in the greenery of Dharana at Shillim

I like to think of myself as having the calm, collected and cool presence of Turkish Olympian Yusuf Dikec, the pistol shooter with more Sunday dad vibes than our favourite uncles, but in reality, I’m an anxious hater. If you scroll through my author page, you’ll find me frequently lamenting about my dislike for something or the other. Monsoon? Hate it. Self-help books? Trash (well, not all of them). As much as I have tried to be an optimist, my pessimistic tendencies and generalised anxiety tend to overpower my thoughts. So, when I was first offered a trip to Dharana at Shillim, I was sceptical. Another wellness retreat that’s going to put me on a liquid diet non-consensually and insist I wake up at 5 am every day. But I started reading about the Dharana Essence of Wellbeing programme, a mini well-being reboot that helps you get some RnR within 1 to 3 days. My sister, excited by the prospect of a ‘sister trip’, slowly started to change my mind. Three hours away from our Mumbai home and nestled within the Sahyadri mountains, this became a chance to not only escape the urban chaos but also to confront my own rainy day blues of constant irritability and anxiety over the smallest of inconveniences.

Despite my cynicism, it was undeniable that this property was a paradise the moment we entered the premises. In this lush, green expanse, the rain merges seamlessly with the serene landscape. There was something meditative about having my evening coffee that day, watching raindrops break the stillness of the pool adjoining our villa. Was I about to have an existential crisis? If I did I’m sure they’d have a guided meditation to get me to deep breathe my way off that ledge.

Despite Dharana’s idyllic surroundings, I arrived at my first appointment with my usual grumpy demeanour. A consult with the stellar team under Dr Arun Pillai, director of spa and wellness, including physiotherapist Dr Jayanta Gagoi and nutritionist Dr Pranati Bollapragada and I was handed an itinerary for the next two days we were there with the only goal (that I selected) being rest and relaxation. A walk through the forest at 6.30 AM? Appreciate it, but no thanks. Early morning yoga? I didn’t fancy falling flat on my face while still half asleep. I knew myself, and I knew my boundaries. At that point, there wasn’t much budging.

But day two brought about an unexpected aha! moment. I’m not outdoorsy nor deep into health and wellness, ayurveda and nutrition. Despite writing about it for a few years now and speaking to countless experts. You could say I was a hypocrite. A session titled ‘physical restoration’ led me to Gagoi, once again, as we stretched and twisted around. Perhaps it was his calm tone, simple explanations sans condescending attitude and perpetual smile, or maybe it was that one twist and crack of my lower back that changed something. For the first time in months, I felt fantastic. Instead of hailing a buggy to take me back to the villa or find my sister, I picked up one of the umbrellas they had stationed outside every venue and decided to walk their expansive 70 acres of estate.

Walking the pathways with nothing but lush greenery, tall trees, bamboo, and plants around you was a new feeling for a city-dweller. It could have been the flush of happy hormones from being pain-free after being twisted and rolled like bakarwadi by Gagoi, but I felt a peace that was new to me. Walking alone in an unfamiliar place didn’t induce panic; the rain making my feet squish in my slippers didn’t give me the sensory ick. All I heard was the sounds of the stream flowing by the property, and it wasn’t tough to spot little tributaries flowing across (more like under) our paths from far-off waterfalls you could spot on the hills as I continued my walk. Perhaps there really is something to these ‘mental health walks’ I had previously scoffed at.

I realised the rain wasn’t the problem, nor were self-help books, vegans, bras, Mumbai city, or the multitude of other things I have complained about. It’s me. Hi, I’m the problem. It’s me. I quote the song while being a Taylor Swift hater (former hater?) and feel fine with it.

Maybe things weren’t as black and white as I have been forcing myself to see the world lately. It might take a few more trips, some more delicious vegetarian food at The Green Table at Dharana, where I kept an open mind and ate dry fruits and quinoa kheer, and much to my surprise, actually enjoyed. I began to see my refusal even to consider options other than what I was already used to as counterproductive – finally. Life lesson learnt. I wasn’t a hater because I actually knew a lot about what I was lamenting. How could I have known without even trying? I learned more than just pranayama techniques on this trip to Dharana; I learned something about myself. I assume and then catastrophise. Now, my daily commute to work in the pouring rain seems less ruinous, just something that needs to be done and then carry on with life instead of getting distressed over something I can’t control anymore.

Dharana at Shillim is more than just a retreat; it’s a sanctuary designed to help guests reconnect with nature and themselves. It sounded like cliche marketing buzzwords to me initially, but it’s only when I shed my pre-concieved notions that I started to see (and feel) what they meant. The retreat aims to foster deeper connections with yourself and nature, finding some peace in this chaotic world. Their approach allows people like me to experience things that may previously have been on ‘never to-do’ lists and see their benefits (I’m taking the daily pranayama practices and all of Gagoi’s teachings back with me) without having to go too far, physically and metaphorically. Here’s to breaking habits, seeing things more positively and embracing the natural beauty in our lives. 

Click here for more information about Dharana at Shillim’s wellness programmes.